An Ode to the English Premier League

From the top:

• Welcome back, friends.

• Happy Sunday.

• Read time: few good minutes

• Meme theme: 1 meme. Parks and Rec

See you out there.

Luton Town FC, newly promoted to the English top flight for the first time since the 1991-92 season, lost their opening game this weekend, 4-1. Imagine this…

For 32 years, they’ve been at various levels of the English professional system - all levels but the top.

For the last 10 of those years, they were promoted 4 times. That might not sound good, but promotion is nearly impossible, especially falling as far as Luton did.  

The lower you are in the league system, the more money the club loses across the board. The more players leave your club to try and keep their careers alive and play at higher levels. At a certain point, your existence is about survival and not getting further relegated. It’s definitely not expected that you’ll gain promotion again immediately, but who knows if ever. Being out of the top flight for 32 years is like a death sentence.

Now, imagine this….

Let’s say that the big box stores like Lowes, ACE, Home Depot, Tractor Supply, True Value, Harbor Freight, etc., are all in a top tier of stores (the Premier League) that enjoy serious benefits which are a boon to their business. Without them, they’d face hard times: serious layoffs, store closures, and everyone’s favorite bailout.

Because they’re in this top tier they get the highest level of exposure from the league’s marketing department. They’re in every print advertisement - because you know they still print ads. They’re right there in the league’s graphics that jolt across the screen of Good Morning America.

Their store managers are invited to the best conferences - that have the best spreads - which give them exclusive insight and rights to carry new products in their stores before anyone else.

These benefits are akin to getting Joan’s book of the month sticker if you know your Parks and Rec.

Now, what if there were a lower league below this top (premier) league and it was called the Championship? Funny name for league number 2, but that’s the way it is.

You’ve got your Town Hardware stores, your Feed and Supply stores, perhaps a Pawn Shop or two, and, heck, your local Bait and Tackle stores.

At the end of each season - or, 4 quarters (sorry to mix business and football and futbol) - the two big box stores that have the two lowest sales numbers at the end Q4 out of the teams in the top league, are relegated down to the Championship.

And for their part, the two teams in the Championship who had the highest sales at the end of Q4 are promoted to the top league, the Premier League.

They now enjoy the benefits of the top league, and they now represent the top league at the conventions, in their marketing, and in all the other ways the big box stores used to. Tiny Fuzzy’s Bait and Tackle is now right there on your GMA screen, talking live worms and bringing the charm that the Lowe’s of the world so often lack.

The big box stores that are relegated are left to figure out how to scrape their way back up to the top after having to completely change their mindset and cut costs to survive. Humbly they leave behind their marketing budgets, their convention spreads, and their prestige. Time to roll up the sleeves - or pull out the power drills - and try and A) prevent further relegation and B) get promoted back to where they ‘should’ be.

Home Depot goes down and Fuzzy’s Bait and Tackle goes up.

Interesting stuff, right? That’s basically what the premier league is like.

The Fuzzy’s Bait and Tackles of the world can do so well - under such meek circumstances for so long - that they one day find themselves in the same league as Lowe’s and very abruptly forced to compete at that level.

To be promoted to the Premier League, especially as a team like Luton, must be one of the more euphoric feelings in sports. To have to then play 38 matches, all with the single goal of staying up (not getting relegated) must be pretty dysphoric.

Because after all, if Luton is Fuzzy’s and Lowe’s is Manchester City, then Fuzzy’s 11 best employees are valued at £56.4 million while Lowe’s (basically owned by the Saudi Royal Family) 11 best employees are valued at £910 million. That’s a big difference in the kind of power drills you can carry in your store.

I say Godspeed, Luton Town.

And Godspeed Fuzzy’s Bait and Tackle.

Stuff I’ve Been Into

Readies

Still reading Brave New World

Watching

Watch this tour of Luton’s stadium. Super hipster. Super good.

Cool thing to check out

My friend Will told me about this website called ReListen the other day. It’s amazing. So far, I’ve only listened to the Dead, but have found it fascinating that you can listen to their studio stuff - audio from the whole process - for free.

I’ll never wrap my mind around how impressive the internet is.

Welp, have a great week. Thanks for reading.

Andrew